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Write About Copy

Insert catchy headline and bold claim about product and life-alterating dramatization here.

Follow up with a bit of context and explaining about the brand and name. Pretend to care about Latin and word origin roots.

Loosely connect the dots for the ~consumer~ and tell them how your brand is the SOLUTION to all their life’s problems, and then some.

“Super epic & catchy but ultimately, really meaningless inspirational that somehow (but doesn't really) connect to the brand, pull quote, here.” 

Definitely beat around the bush about how you care about doing things “differently” and “aren’t like any other brand.” 

DTC = we get to cut out middlemen and pass those savings onto you... after we mark it up a bunch because we rely on ZucksBucks to acquire customers for our below average brand with even more questionable quality products.


Write The Personally Formulaic Founder’s Note Here

Pretend to be a — humble, friendly, down to earth, yet uncomfortably capitalistic — average Joe. 

Conform to being safe, boring, and plain (don’t want to get cancelled!). You can seriously just 

Make a statement about making a difference and being sooooo customer-first and focused (yet take 3+ days to respond to customer tickets, social mentions, and chat support).

Round out this nonsense with something that shows the faintest amount of personality to DiFfErEnTiAtE yourself from the template you copy and pasted from.

-Definitely Not Made Up Phony Cursive Signature

First Name, CEO (Chief Everything Officer, OMG, LOL, I'm so clever!)



Just coffee.

No $$$ spent on ridiculous branding, advertising, technology, or "consultants."

I work directly with the people who make (brew?) the coffee — they ship it the same day it's brewed — so I guess that makes it literally some of the freshest coffee you can find on the entire Internet.

That's it. Try some out, on me 👇

Enter code ONTHEHOUSE at checkout for 20% off your first purchase. Hope you like it.